So this is kinda old but still relevant... I just havent been blogging for a long time now.
Certain people are advancing their status and or positions at work. And they deserve it. But when hearing about it I got kinda jealous and frustrated. Lame! What is super lame is that I assume or think I have the opportunity potential to move up at work (maybe I'm wrong though?), and I have consciously made a choice not to. I know this. So it shouldnt affect me when other people are moving up and I am not. It shouldnt at all. I made that choice. I'm the one that told myself to avoid moving up at work, based upon school in relation to moving up at a job in the past. I completely forgot about school.
But it does affect me, or did. What is my problem? Is that competitiveness or something? Whatever it is, its lame. Maybe part of it, is that progress with school is so slow. I dont know. May it feels like nothing is happening since Its going so slow.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Where's the Beef?
I just wrote another blog post on my other blog about something I already know I need to do, or change or work at.
But I guess it applies to more than one topic.
Last nite was our company party and it was fun, very fun. We has all been looking forward to it for some time. These twice a year parties the company really goes all out for
I got a great buzz going without puking, a little dancing, and lots of tittie grabbing, and quite a few times of burying my head in breasts. So it was a handful of fun.
I brought my sister again, and of course all the guys kept telling me how hot my sister is, and she is, and super sweet and social too... I love her. And maybe I just realized I might be jealous of her. Not like spiteful jealous but in a sense that.. fuck I want boys to say that about me hahahha
The thing about it is, that amidst all the fun and drunkenness, I still feel somewhat alone and isolated. I honestly can't remember when is the last time I shared a true moment with someone. Now I know I have shared feelings and thoughts and dreams with Ijeoma and Maria and a few others at work as well. What I am missing is that intimate moment that becomes a memory or a new light that shines on someone, or some small shared experience that is somehow a little more... Really what it might be is that I have not made these moments possible
Its funny when you find your own thoughts or feelings echoed elswhere... Jim sent a friend request on Myspace, so I read one of his blogs, and it seemed to be a different slant on how I have been feeling. Somewhat of a desire or feeling to connect with people in general. Have I built up too many walls, put myself in a corner, too picky, too lazy, too scared to share anything of myself? Well in Jim's blog he was mainly speaking of friends new and old... my general thoughts have been more about finding a boyfriend, but also knowing that I don't have any really strong bonds here in Vegas.
Going out with girls is fun and everything, but grabbing a hold of some good melons is strangely safe... I need something else. Where's the beef?
Maybe I enjoy burying my head in boobies because it is a safe place to hide from what I really want.
I don't just mean cock or boys, but the substance, something more that you can sink your teeth into, Something to chew on, something deeper.
I want a boyfriend who I can share dreams and ambitions, moments and memories, new experiences and so forth, but it would also be nice to have friends here in Vegas I share this with as well.
I LOVE my friends in LA (including Stef, Terrell, and Kathy who are in other cities) but I feel the need for true connections here. Much of this is my own fault, yet at the same time I haven't felt like there is anyone I can truly identify and connect with or whose goals and dreams parallel my own. I probably just need to give people in general more of a chance.
But I guess it applies to more than one topic.
Last nite was our company party and it was fun, very fun. We has all been looking forward to it for some time. These twice a year parties the company really goes all out for
I got a great buzz going without puking, a little dancing, and lots of tittie grabbing, and quite a few times of burying my head in breasts. So it was a handful of fun.
I brought my sister again, and of course all the guys kept telling me how hot my sister is, and she is, and super sweet and social too... I love her. And maybe I just realized I might be jealous of her. Not like spiteful jealous but in a sense that.. fuck I want boys to say that about me hahahha
The thing about it is, that amidst all the fun and drunkenness, I still feel somewhat alone and isolated. I honestly can't remember when is the last time I shared a true moment with someone. Now I know I have shared feelings and thoughts and dreams with Ijeoma and Maria and a few others at work as well. What I am missing is that intimate moment that becomes a memory or a new light that shines on someone, or some small shared experience that is somehow a little more... Really what it might be is that I have not made these moments possible
Its funny when you find your own thoughts or feelings echoed elswhere... Jim sent a friend request on Myspace, so I read one of his blogs, and it seemed to be a different slant on how I have been feeling. Somewhat of a desire or feeling to connect with people in general. Have I built up too many walls, put myself in a corner, too picky, too lazy, too scared to share anything of myself? Well in Jim's blog he was mainly speaking of friends new and old... my general thoughts have been more about finding a boyfriend, but also knowing that I don't have any really strong bonds here in Vegas.
Going out with girls is fun and everything, but grabbing a hold of some good melons is strangely safe... I need something else. Where's the beef?
Maybe I enjoy burying my head in boobies because it is a safe place to hide from what I really want.
I don't just mean cock or boys, but the substance, something more that you can sink your teeth into, Something to chew on, something deeper.
I want a boyfriend who I can share dreams and ambitions, moments and memories, new experiences and so forth, but it would also be nice to have friends here in Vegas I share this with as well.
I LOVE my friends in LA (including Stef, Terrell, and Kathy who are in other cities) but I feel the need for true connections here. Much of this is my own fault, yet at the same time I haven't felt like there is anyone I can truly identify and connect with or whose goals and dreams parallel my own. I probably just need to give people in general more of a chance.
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Nerves
July was the warmup
There has been much preparation and testing for what is to come. EVERYTHING is in motion... well almost.
My body is complety confused at this point. So much is going in, out, prodded, electrified, fried, infused, stimulated, flatulated, exhausted and energized. It no longer has a basis for what is real and normal.
I am happy with my Robot Doc. She has a PA that is human and can communicate with other human beings, so all is well. My Neuro Doc can continue to be the agro Robot Doc that she was manufactured to be, who moves at the speed of light, gets things done, and doesnt stop to relate to humans, as long as she has her human PA is there to smooth her hard robot edges and give her a little oil.
I got started on Imuran and Prednisone... Holy shit. All I can say is sweaty pig - Im hungry 24/7, sweatier than normal, dizzy, and have more acne. Prednisone sucks a pigs ass... hopefully I wont have to be on it forever.
Its like I have been a human experiment... the new drugs alone have taken some time to get used to. My body doesnt know what is happening to it. Not even factoring the drugs, the tests were even wierder and more "human experiment". I lie down, while the technician marks up my arms in various nerve points with a pen. After she is done drawing on my arms she then proceeds to place 3 little electrode stickers to to various points and then connect them with wires to a computer. She then pulls out this tazer looking thing - black remote control looking handle with 2 metal prongs sticking out of one end. She shocks me at the various points she has marked all over my arms
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
and on for about 10-15 minutes. A few days rest and I can look forward to the same thing on my legs! Oh but wait there was also the electrode thing they put on my head. After the tazer test, they had me sit down and placed a swimmercap looking thing with electrode points scattered all around it. These points were about dime-sized, raised, and with holes in the middle. After they squeeze the contraption on your head the extend a metal prong thing in each hole scratch your scalp with it - which is super annoying - and then squeez some gel stuff in it and then take some "tests"... Im sure there are files of every thought I have up in my noggin that the government now has- because it is really important for them to know what the enemy is thinking. Then enemy threat being a crippled faggot who is obviously set out to destroy the morals of society and attack marriage!
There was also some sonogram type thing where they squeez gel on various spots of your cranium and then pule sound waves trough these points. The bussing is a nice disorienting touch tht adds that little bit more of diiizzyness just in case you didnt feel you had enough
So after all of that. Robot Doc got on it and made the insurance company approve an IVIG flush therapy which is apparently really hard to get, because its a new treatment. A nurse come to your home, hooks up an IV to your arm and knocks you out for a good 4-6 hrs. Next thing you know you dont know where you are, who you are, who is this woman doing stuff to your arm, why is it sore, and why am I even more dizzy. Once they stick Bendryl straight in your veins its done, ... they told me it would make me drowsy but that was jsut insane. It completely wipes you out and I almost didnt make it to my bed. 4 days of magic
but I think my eyelids are more open by a good 1/8 to 1/4 inch! wooohooooo!!!!!!
I really hope I dont need to stay on predinose
OK so that is the medical side of things
I got all of my financial situation finally straightened out. This was a bigger ordeal than I imagined, but its finally done and I am in a good financial place now
I turned 30, got all my school stuff done - immunizations, records, etc. Now I am FINALLY registered for classes to go to film school!!!
July was soooo busy getting all of this taken care of, and now it feels like life is beginning all over again. Everything I've waited/and put off my whole life is now happening. Health, Education, Finances, Work, everything just came together in July afdter alot of work and now August is just an amazing new start. Now I jsut need that one other area to come into play
There has been much preparation and testing for what is to come. EVERYTHING is in motion... well almost.
My body is complety confused at this point. So much is going in, out, prodded, electrified, fried, infused, stimulated, flatulated, exhausted and energized. It no longer has a basis for what is real and normal.
I am happy with my Robot Doc. She has a PA that is human and can communicate with other human beings, so all is well. My Neuro Doc can continue to be the agro Robot Doc that she was manufactured to be, who moves at the speed of light, gets things done, and doesnt stop to relate to humans, as long as she has her human PA is there to smooth her hard robot edges and give her a little oil.
I got started on Imuran and Prednisone... Holy shit. All I can say is sweaty pig - Im hungry 24/7, sweatier than normal, dizzy, and have more acne. Prednisone sucks a pigs ass... hopefully I wont have to be on it forever.
Its like I have been a human experiment... the new drugs alone have taken some time to get used to. My body doesnt know what is happening to it. Not even factoring the drugs, the tests were even wierder and more "human experiment". I lie down, while the technician marks up my arms in various nerve points with a pen. After she is done drawing on my arms she then proceeds to place 3 little electrode stickers to to various points and then connect them with wires to a computer. She then pulls out this tazer looking thing - black remote control looking handle with 2 metal prongs sticking out of one end. She shocks me at the various points she has marked all over my arms
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
Zap! "ouch!... quit it"
and on for about 10-15 minutes. A few days rest and I can look forward to the same thing on my legs! Oh but wait there was also the electrode thing they put on my head. After the tazer test, they had me sit down and placed a swimmercap looking thing with electrode points scattered all around it. These points were about dime-sized, raised, and with holes in the middle. After they squeeze the contraption on your head the extend a metal prong thing in each hole scratch your scalp with it - which is super annoying - and then squeez some gel stuff in it and then take some "tests"... Im sure there are files of every thought I have up in my noggin that the government now has- because it is really important for them to know what the enemy is thinking. Then enemy threat being a crippled faggot who is obviously set out to destroy the morals of society and attack marriage!
There was also some sonogram type thing where they squeez gel on various spots of your cranium and then pule sound waves trough these points. The bussing is a nice disorienting touch tht adds that little bit more of diiizzyness just in case you didnt feel you had enough
So after all of that. Robot Doc got on it and made the insurance company approve an IVIG flush therapy which is apparently really hard to get, because its a new treatment. A nurse come to your home, hooks up an IV to your arm and knocks you out for a good 4-6 hrs. Next thing you know you dont know where you are, who you are, who is this woman doing stuff to your arm, why is it sore, and why am I even more dizzy. Once they stick Bendryl straight in your veins its done, ... they told me it would make me drowsy but that was jsut insane. It completely wipes you out and I almost didnt make it to my bed. 4 days of magic
but I think my eyelids are more open by a good 1/8 to 1/4 inch! wooohooooo!!!!!!
I really hope I dont need to stay on predinose
OK so that is the medical side of things
I got all of my financial situation finally straightened out. This was a bigger ordeal than I imagined, but its finally done and I am in a good financial place now
I turned 30, got all my school stuff done - immunizations, records, etc. Now I am FINALLY registered for classes to go to film school!!!
July was soooo busy getting all of this taken care of, and now it feels like life is beginning all over again. Everything I've waited/and put off my whole life is now happening. Health, Education, Finances, Work, everything just came together in July afdter alot of work and now August is just an amazing new start. Now I jsut need that one other area to come into play
Monday, July 10, 2006
30, The New 21
This weekend was amazing. I had sooo much fun. But it more than just drunken buffoonery.
There was alot of reflection and looking to the past. This however was not nostalgia. Although there were moments with Alex and Brian where we reminisced about our early 20s being roommates and what not.
This weekend become a mirror into the past not just to remember good times and memories but to reflect upon what has been done and accomplished and what has not. recognizes patterns and establishing new ones
I've been saying that 30 is the new 21, partly as a way to take away the fear of this number sounding old to me. But that phrase is more true than I first imagined. 21 is a pivotal age where things start to really shift and there are new discoveries about yourself and life to be made. You start to come into your own, and creativity can reach new heights.
For me things happened later in life and while that sort of stuff did happen around 21, the real major dynamics and personal growth is happening now. I am reliving 21, but without the unnecessary baggage. While I've ALWAYS been a unique individual that kinda sticks out, following my inner desires and impulses has always been tucked away, made secondary. I guess that is what I imagine or correlate with 21 - not only discovering yourself but starting to really push yourself out into the world
There was alot of reflection and looking to the past. This however was not nostalgia. Although there were moments with Alex and Brian where we reminisced about our early 20s being roommates and what not.
This weekend become a mirror into the past not just to remember good times and memories but to reflect upon what has been done and accomplished and what has not. recognizes patterns and establishing new ones
I've been saying that 30 is the new 21, partly as a way to take away the fear of this number sounding old to me. But that phrase is more true than I first imagined. 21 is a pivotal age where things start to really shift and there are new discoveries about yourself and life to be made. You start to come into your own, and creativity can reach new heights.
For me things happened later in life and while that sort of stuff did happen around 21, the real major dynamics and personal growth is happening now. I am reliving 21, but without the unnecessary baggage. While I've ALWAYS been a unique individual that kinda sticks out, following my inner desires and impulses has always been tucked away, made secondary. I guess that is what I imagine or correlate with 21 - not only discovering yourself but starting to really push yourself out into the world
Friday, June 30, 2006
Pump Me Up
I went to see a neurologist yesterday. This is the 1st time I've seen a Neurologist since I had my Thymectomy. I finally got my ass to one and now I dont know how I feel.
On one hand Im happy tht she seems to know about Myasthenia Gravis and has treated other patients with it before, and seems quick to act. On the other hand hs is rather frightening...
1st the experience in the office was already not so great. I was told to come in 30 minutes before my scheduled time of 930 am, in order to fill out paperwork. I arrived at 850they didnt give me the paperwork until 940 and then called me in 2 minutes later. But of course I wasnt done with the paperwork since I just got it. By that time I was the only one left in the waiting room.
Then I am finally called in to the Dr's office, where again, I have to sit and wait for her. She Bursts in with her head in her notes and gruffly barks "I dont have your charts, your history I have nothing, I cant do anything I need your medical history"
At this point Im a little shocked and say .. slightly annoyed...
"Hello ... ? ...?"
and she gave no answer, just sat down with a certain amoutn of force assertation of authority. "I cant do anything without your medical records, Do you have a number so we can contact your previous doctor"
Me: "Um... I gave this to the receptionist... 2 weeks ago when making the apointment" ( I even gave the fax number and specifically asked if they needed my records)
She huffs and storms out... then comes back in "They the dont have it" as if this is my fault, are they just attempting to obtain this info NOW?
So she sets that aside from her mind and moves on. She proceeds to bombard me with the the usual questions and even tells me bluntly that my eyes look bad and then barks out that she thinks my last neurologist was not aggressice enough
She starts barking out 4 different EKGs, EMG, EEG, TCD, brain scan, blood work, steroids, IV flush that she isnt sure if she can get insurance to pay for, that I will be on for 4 days... blurting all this out in rapidfire like a machine gun never once stopping to breathe...
WOW!!! wait... "Hi ... my name is Mike"
No time for that though, lets just pump you full of steriods
And then I ask about eyelid surgery. then she finally pauses, without looking at me. She huffs out... "thats not going to do anything, thats just cosmetic"
Woooooo... Lady, try covering half your eyeball with your eyelids for just ONE FREAKING day and then tell me "its just cosmetic" It covers half my freakin eyeballand distortts my vision, and when I manually lift them the double vision goes away!
You are more than willing to pump me with steriods, hook some IV thingy up to me for days and give me all these immunosuppresants but wont even consider the eyelide surgery... which within less than 1 yr would cost less and have far less side effects than the steriods alone
I'll go through with the 6 or 8 tests that she rushed me into, that seems more than logical. But I will have to talk to her again about the eyelids. It seems logical that she would understand esp especially since she herself seemed to recognize that the disease is mainly concentrated in the eyelid area and not so much in the rest of my body
but lets just pump me up full of drugs...
maybe it will work, Initial 1st impressions and bitching aside. I'll set my mind to this plan and hope it works
On one hand Im happy tht she seems to know about Myasthenia Gravis and has treated other patients with it before, and seems quick to act. On the other hand hs is rather frightening...
1st the experience in the office was already not so great. I was told to come in 30 minutes before my scheduled time of 930 am, in order to fill out paperwork. I arrived at 850they didnt give me the paperwork until 940 and then called me in 2 minutes later. But of course I wasnt done with the paperwork since I just got it. By that time I was the only one left in the waiting room.
Then I am finally called in to the Dr's office, where again, I have to sit and wait for her. She Bursts in with her head in her notes and gruffly barks "I dont have your charts, your history I have nothing, I cant do anything I need your medical history"
At this point Im a little shocked and say .. slightly annoyed...
"Hello ... ? ...?"
and she gave no answer, just sat down with a certain amoutn of force assertation of authority. "I cant do anything without your medical records, Do you have a number so we can contact your previous doctor"
Me: "Um... I gave this to the receptionist... 2 weeks ago when making the apointment" ( I even gave the fax number and specifically asked if they needed my records)
She huffs and storms out... then comes back in "They the dont have it" as if this is my fault, are they just attempting to obtain this info NOW?
So she sets that aside from her mind and moves on. She proceeds to bombard me with the the usual questions and even tells me bluntly that my eyes look bad and then barks out that she thinks my last neurologist was not aggressice enough
She starts barking out 4 different EKGs, EMG, EEG, TCD, brain scan, blood work, steroids, IV flush that she isnt sure if she can get insurance to pay for, that I will be on for 4 days... blurting all this out in rapidfire like a machine gun never once stopping to breathe...
WOW!!! wait... "Hi ... my name is Mike"
No time for that though, lets just pump you full of steriods
And then I ask about eyelid surgery. then she finally pauses, without looking at me. She huffs out... "thats not going to do anything, thats just cosmetic"
Woooooo... Lady, try covering half your eyeball with your eyelids for just ONE FREAKING day and then tell me "its just cosmetic" It covers half my freakin eyeballand distortts my vision, and when I manually lift them the double vision goes away!
You are more than willing to pump me with steriods, hook some IV thingy up to me for days and give me all these immunosuppresants but wont even consider the eyelide surgery... which within less than 1 yr would cost less and have far less side effects than the steriods alone
I'll go through with the 6 or 8 tests that she rushed me into, that seems more than logical. But I will have to talk to her again about the eyelids. It seems logical that she would understand esp especially since she herself seemed to recognize that the disease is mainly concentrated in the eyelid area and not so much in the rest of my body
but lets just pump me up full of drugs...
maybe it will work, Initial 1st impressions and bitching aside. I'll set my mind to this plan and hope it works
Monday, June 19, 2006
"People say..."
So I was browsing the personals and there is somethat that I don't quite get which kind of bugs me. I don't quite understand why a guy or girl would right "people tell me I'm good-looking" or something similar.
This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.
But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?
NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"
My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out
This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.
But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?
NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"
My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out
The Eyes have it
I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday.... actually I started to notice me eyelids getting really tired towards the end of my shifts in the middle of this week. But Saturday and Sunday were a bit more scarry
I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately
Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"
That would be amazing :P
Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2
I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately
Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"
That would be amazing :P
Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2
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